Building relationships and Character traits
The Parasha in our everyday life - Chayei Sarah - 5782
Rabbi Eliezer Shenvald - Rosh Yeshivat Hesder 'Meir Harel' Modi'in
The institution of marriage and family has been in a deep crisis for several years. The extent of divorce in the world and in Israel reaches a very high percentage. 'There is no happy divorce'. This is a situation that usually hurts both spouses, but the main victims are the children, who sometimes find themselves at a very young age, in a situation that is difficult for them to deal with. They carry the consequences in their psyche later in their lives. The Torah does not oppose divorce when all hope is lost, and there are occurrences that indicate that the couple can no longer live together. However, the Commandments are aimed at creating the infrastructure of values and virtues that will strengthen the relationship and reduce the risk of divorce.
Anyone who is familiar with the situation, as an address for couples in crisis, can attest, with heart-ache, that a large percentage of divorce cases today could have been avoided. Some because from the very beginning of the relationship the match and the common denominator of the couple was shaky, external parameters were given too much importance; like beauty, attraction, money, social status. Interpersonal adjustment, not so much. For various reasons the couple did not ask themselves what would be the 'glue' that would hold their relationship and nurture it. Others, that had enough awareness and worked continuously as a couple, could have strengthened the relationship, and divorce could have been avoided. And the rest are unnecessary divorces, caused because the finger on the divorce trigger was too light, and the cause of the divorce was on things that could be resolved, especially considering the damage that could be done to the children.
In our Parasha we meet for the first time the reference of the Torah to the building of the relationship, in the connection of Yitzchak and Rivka, and in the common ground for the creation of their wonderful relationship.
Avraham Avinu makes Eliezer his Servant swear:
…אֲשֶׁ֨ר לֹֽא־תִקַּ֤ח אִשָּׁה֙ לִבְנִ֔י מִבְּנוֹת֙ הַֽכְּנַעֲנִ֔י אֲשֶׁ֥ר אָנֹכִ֖י יוֹשֵׁ֥ב בְּקִרְבּֽוֹ׃ כִּ֧י אֶל־אַרְצִ֛י וְאֶל־מוֹלַדְתִּ֖י תֵּלֵ֑ךְ וְלָקַחְתָּ֥ אִשָּׁ֖ה לִבְנִ֥י לְיִצְחָֽק׃
“and I will make you swear… that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell, but will go to the land of my birth and get a wife for my son Isaac.” (Bereshit 24:3-4)
The Canaanite daughter’s worldview does not fit with Yitzchak’s:
התהום המפרידה בין בת כנעני לבין בן אברהם גדולה כל כך, שלעולם לא יתאימו זה לזו וכו'. יכולים שני בני אדם להיות מצוינים כשלעצמם, ועם זה לא יתאימו זה לזה באופים האינדיבידואלי, משום כך: "ליצחק"; יראה אליעזר שתתאים האשה לאופיו האינדיבידואלי של יצחק
“The abyss between a daughter of Canaan and a son of Abraham is so great, in the spiritual and moral divide that they will never fit well together. Two human beings can be excellent in their own right, and yet they will not match each other in their individual character, therefore: "to Yitzchak"; Eliezer will see to it that the woman fits to "Yitzchak" in character and temperament". (Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch ibid)
Most of the fit was examined from the value and moral aspect, the attributes of the couple:
לא אלילי כנען, אלא השחיתות המוסרית שבכנען היתה המניע להחלטתו. אליליות היא ביסודה תעיית השכל, ולזו יש תקנה. אך שחיתות מוסרית תופסת את כל ההויה האנושית על כל עומק הנשמה והרגש, וכאן גם אברהם לא יכול היה לקוות למצוא לבנו אשה צנועה וטהורה במוסרה, אשה שתביא לביתו את פנינת אצילות הדעת וטהרת המוסר
"Not the idols of Canaan, but Canaan’s moral degradation was the motive for his decision. Paganism is fundamentally from the intellect, and this has a remedy. But moral corruption occupies the whole human being over all the depths of the soul and emotion. And here, too, Abraham could not hope to find for his son a modest and morally pure woman, a woman who would bring home the pearl of nobility and purity of morality”. (ibid)
This way, it is possible to understand Eliezer’s condition at the well:
וְהָיָ֣ה הַֽנַּעֲרָ֗ אֲשֶׁ֨ר אֹמַ֤ר אֵלֶ֙יהָ֙ הַטִּי־נָ֤א כַדֵּךְ֙ וְאֶשְׁתֶּ֔ה וְאָמְרָ֣ה שְׁתֵ֔ה וְגַם־גְּמַלֶּ֖יךָ אַשְׁקֶ֑ה אֹתָ֤הּ הֹכַ֙חְתָּ֙ לְעַבְדְּךָ֣ לְיִצְחָ֔ק וּבָ֣הּ אֵדַ֔ע כִּי־עָשִׂ֥יתָ חֶ֖סֶד עִם־אֲדֹנִֽי׃
“let the maiden to whom I say, ‘Please, lower your jar that I may drink,’ and who replies, ‘Drink, and I will also water your camels’—let her be the one whom You have decreed for Your servant Yitzchak. Thereby shall I know that You have dealt graciously with my master.” (Bereshit 24:14)
שאליעזר יודע היה שלא היו מזווגין אשה ליצחק אלא הוגנת לו לפיכך לקח סימן לעצמו שאם תהא כל כך נאה במעשיה ושלימה במדותיה עד שכשיאמר לה הגמיאיני נא מעט מים תשיבהו ברוח נדיבה גם גמליך אשקה אותה היא שהזמינו מן השמים ליצחק.
…[But if one accepts signs that logically indicate a benefit to the thing or its injury; this is not divining. For all business of the world is like that… is not [practicing] divination. Rather it is the way of the world. And Eliezer and Jonathan were making their actions dependent on things similar to this]... Eliezer knew no woman would be paired with Yitzchak unless she was for him, so he took a sign for himself that if she was so nice in her deeds and complete in her virtues … she is the one who was chosen from heaven for Yitzchak. (Kessef Mishneh on Mishneh Torah Foreign Worship and Customs of the Nations 11:4)
The relationship of Yitzchak and Rivka was based on a shared worldview and virtues.
The character traits are also the power that strengthens the relationship. The work that each one of the spouses does with themselves and together, facing one another.
On this common basis Yitzchak and Rivka’s love blossomed, and stabilized over time:
וַיְבִאֶ֣הָ יִצְחָ֗ק הָאֹ֙הֱלָה֙ שָׂרָ֣ה אִמּ֔וֹ וַיִּקַּ֧ח אֶת־רִבְקָ֛ה וַתְּהִי־ל֥וֹ לְאִשָּׁ֖ה וַיֶּאֱהָבֶ֑הָ וַיִּנָּחֵ֥ם יִצְחָ֖ק אַחֲרֵ֥י אִמּֽוֹ׃
“… and he took Rivka as his wife. Yitzchak loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother’s death. (Bereshit 24:67)
This model should teach us the building of our relationships, in the marvelous words of R’ Samson Raphael Hirsch:
“Like this marriage of the first Jewish son, most marriages in Israel, are founded not on passion but calm reflection … That is why love grows, as they become more aware of each other. But most marriages in the non-Jewish world end in what they call "love." And a man has nothing but a glimpse into the descriptions of … the abyss between the "love" before marriage and the one after it, how everything is different - so bland and pointless, how different is everything from the description of the imagination, etc. This "love" was blind, and for all that in the future - disappointment; Not so the marriage in Israel, of which he says: And ''She became to him a wife and he loved her! (67) The more she became his wife the more his love for her grew. The wedding there is not the blossoming peak, but the root of love!”
מעשה אבות סימן לבנים, May the Patriarchs’ mode of conduct serve as a model for their descendants when they find themselves in relationships, and we shall merit to be blessed with love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. אַהֲבָה וְאַחְוָה וְשָׁלוֹם וְרֵיעוּת